Warning signs of an abusive man, Red flags, and batterer’s early tactics

See, I said last week month that I would put this up!  I’m trying not to procrastinate  procrastinating AS MUCH these days on all those little things I need to get done.

So here’s the list of things to look out for when you first start dating a man (or woman I suppose, but I’m tired of having to preface everything with women do it too.  We know that most batterers are men):

1. Quick involvement.  He will sweep you off your feet, say all the right things, and talk about commitment really soon (sometimes even on the first date or if you’re still talking online).  He says things like “I’ve never felt this way before.”  He wants to plan a future before you even have a chance to get to know each other.  Slow things down a bit and if he doesn’t respect this then you know for sure that things are going to go badly.
2. He is disrespectful when speaking about former partners.  If he is angry, degrading, blames them for being abusive, or shares too much information too early be concerned.  He might blame a former partner for everything in the relationship or say that they falsely accused him of abuse.  He will do the same to you. 
3. He shows you disrespect.  If he is condescending, puts you down, or mocks your opinions he is already on the road to worse behavior.
4. He believes in rigid traditional gender roles and speaks badly of women in general.  He might say you are different from all the rest, but if he jokes about women or expects you to fit into the stereotypical backseat role of a woman in a traditional relationship, then he will be angry the second you don’t fit into his neat little box.  Does he think women are inferior to men?  Does he think his career is more important? 
5. He is very dependent on you.  At first it feels like you’re helping him, doing all those things a good girlfriend would do:  feeding him, doing his laundry, buying things he needs but doesn’t have time to get.  Soon these become expectations.  He says things like “You’re all I need.”  “It’s us against the world.”  He expects you to be the perfect partner, wife, lover, friend, and mother and to handle all the emotional as well as physical needs at home.
6. He is self-centered.  Although at first it seems like he’s spending all of his attention on you, watch for him to start to do alot of the talking, or not listen well when you talk.  Does conversation begin to always shift back to him?  Does he do what you want to do, only to come back later and make you feel guilty about it?  Does he start to say that he does things with you that he doesn’t really want to do, just to make you happy?
7. He has mood swings.  He can be the sweetest guy one minute and then explode the next minute, about things that might not even involve you.  If he does this about his car, work, or other relationships, he will do this to you eventually.
8. He blames others for his own problems.  Everything is someone else’s fault.  Everyone is out to get him.  He doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions in causing things to happen.  Soon you will be the one that gets the blame. 
9. Other people are responsible for his feelings.   This starts out with “You make me happy.”  He bases his emotional state on what you do.  While at first this sounds like he loves you it will soon turn into  “You made me do this.”  “I was just reacting to you.”  He says he can’t control his anger.  He can certainly try to manipulate you or other people with his emotions.  You will spend more and more of your time trying to make him happy and not make him angry. 
10. He has a poor self-image.  He does not see himself as a grown adult man and tries to overcompensate for his lack of masculinity by doing very macho things, and eventually by bullying you.
11. He is easily insulted.  Any comment about him, upsets him.  He claims to be hurt, even by things you say jokingly to him.  Anything asked of him like extra help at hom, or being asked to do more at work is not right in his eyes and he rants about these things often.
12. Jealousy.  At first this seems like a sign that he really is into the relationship.  Until he starts asking you to change your behaviors so that he won’t feel jealous and possessive.  He asks questions about where you’ve been, who you’ve talked to, and calls often through the day for an update or stays constantly by your side.  He wants to know details of past relationships, wants you to quit your job to stay home where he can keep an eye on you, checks your caller ID, car mileage, or asks people to watch you.   A good test is to cancel a plan with him to see what he does, or to make a plan with friends and without him.   If he gets angry or checks on you, he is already trying to take ownership of you. 
13. He becomes controlling.  This is a difficult one to watch for as it starts so slowly you might not even notice it happening.  He comments about your appearance.  He sounds concerned about something you’re doing.  He is a little negative about your friends and family.  He wants you to spend more time with him.  He starts to give advice about how you should manage your life.  He takes control of the money, or holiday plans, or shopping decisions.  At first it feels like you’re working on being a couple.  But soon, if you don’t follow his advice he gets angry and throws a tantrum.
14. He begins to isolate you.  He slowly pulls you away from friends and family.  He takes up all your time, tells you bad things about them, moves you far away, leaves you without the means to visit them, wants you to quit your job, tells you to quit school.  The key word here is slowly.  At first it feels like he just wants to be the most important thing in your life.  Soon he will be the ONLY thing in your life.
15. He pressures you for sex.  This sounds like something that will happen later on, once you’re married.  The signs can be there very early.  He might sulk or try to manipulate you into taking care of his needs.  He might share fantasies with you and ask you to help him fulfill them.  If there is something that he does that you feel pressured into, because you’re trying to be the good girlfriend, this is a sign that things are headed in a bad direction.
16. He has abused pets or children.  Not much to say here.  Run!!!
17. He drinks heavily.  Not every alcoholic is a batterer and not every batterer is an alcoholic, but alcohol does open the door to bad behaviors and excuses.
18. He is in the middle of a court case in which he is trying to get his children back, or he isn’t allowed to see them, or his ex is falsely claiming abuse.  So many women get caught in the role of rescuer, stepping into the middle of one of these things to help him fight for his rights.  There’s a good chance that their claims are based on some truth.  It’s best to stay out of the middle and let him get through this by himself.  You don’t want to realize one day that she was right the whole time.  If women listened to each other we could solve half the problem.

If anyone wants to add to this list, please do.