Search Engine Searches that end up HERE

Yes, it’s time for another one of these posts about the things people type into places like google and find my blog.  This is like a review of the last three months of posts, only backwards and upside down.  I don’t know if anyone finds the information they want, but I am at least amused by what people want information about.  Here I will address their specific searches in the hope of being useful:

COLD VAGINA

Put on some pants before you go outside and cross the street to get the mail.  I really have no idea about this one as I’ve never heard of this problem.

Uninvited Lurker

If it was me I’d be calling the police, locking all the doors, or finding my daughter’s softball bat instead of looking for advice online.  It takes approximately 3 hours to find useful information on any topic on google.  By then the lurker will be more of an enterer and a murderer.

Middle Age Hierarchy

This sounds too intelligent for me to know anything about.  I am middle-aged.  I’m at the bottom of the hierarchy in my house, which means I’m the one wandering around and picking up literal shit every day.  At the same time, because I’m the shit-cleaner-upper, I also reserve the right to complain about anything I want and make demands that everyone help clean up their own shit.  This only works for a couple of hours until I’ve forgotten whatever I said the consequence would be of not obeying me and then I’m still the one following the bunny.  I’m at the bottom.

I’m pregnant and my vagina smells like sex all the time.

Yeesh.  First of all, I’m wondering how you can bend over to smell it as I can’t even bend over to put on socks.  I also don’t think that’s normal and although there’s more stuff going on down there (discharge becomes thicker as it keeps the vagina clean and shiny) it shouldn’t smell.  I think you have an infection.  Go see a doctor so they can give you antibiotics that don’t work and turn your tongue white.

Why does my urine stain the toilet orange?

OMG I’ve become the pee color expert or something.  I would say if you’re taking meds for a UTI then this is normal and weird and you may as well just enjoy it and show off your freaky urine to your kids.  They’ll love it!  Otherwise, unless you’ve been taking vitamins or eating something colorful this could be a serious issue.  And vitamins turn my urine neon yellow so I’m thinking you should collect some in a plastic cup and take it to the public health nurse.

Things that come in nines

I can’t even figure out how you found my blog at all.  Nine means nothing to me.  

Ode to Butts

I don’t know you, but I love you.

All the midgets in my bed inside my head

I think you might be high and rhyming.  Wait until it wears off and check your internet history.  

Birds circling house

This brings up one image for me:  Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.  I watched this movie several times as a young child because my parents were cruel and wanted me to feel panic every time I see a flock of birds.  Run while you still can!  Or hide in your house and wait.  Either way you’re going to have to leave eventually and people will die.

How to clean a teenager’s closet

If you have to google this for an answer, it’s already too late.  Plus I think that they got their laziness from watching you.  Clean it or not clean it, there is no such thing as cleaning by googling.  

Midgets and Math

?

Smiley testicle

I am speechless about this one as well, but I’ll bet it has something to do with the midgets and math.  

Huge Vagina

I would never admit to this by having in my search history.  Maybe this is the same person who searched for Cold Vagina.  If it’s that big and cold maybe you don’t really know what a vagina is and you mean Iceberg.

“Scrotal tighten” anxiety

I want to come back to this one later.

Boob hierarchy and Boob popped out of wedding dress

This is why I bought a 36D this week.  No popping out.  No hierarchy issues.  Armor.

There are more, but I have to go to work now to pretend I know what I’m talking about.  It’s been a nice Thanksgiving Break and I’m not sure I want to go back just because it was so peaceful here at home.

How did you find my blog?

I like to do this once in a while because it amuses me and that’s what life is about, amusing myself.  These are real searches that ended up right here–on my blog:

“Rectal Exam”

Right on!

“mushrooms + kidnapping”

I think you meant to find the Alice in Wonderland site instead.  Or perhaps you are doing a little online researching in order to commit a crime.  Either way you won’t find what you’re looking for here.

“midget on a leash”

Somehow I think my title leads a lot of midget porn fetishists here.  I can understand putting a leash on a small child in a busy airport.  But this . . .

“keep an eye in the midgets”

Okay, first of all that’s ON, not IN.  And secondly I think we need to keep an eye on YOU because you seem to be much more dangerous than a midget.  Midgets do not need eyeballs shoved into them.

“breast lactate middle age

OMG, this isn’t right!  Now I really am worried about menopause!

“pickle sinus”

This is kind of like the eyeball-midget thing, isn’t it?  That pickle does not belong in your sinus!  I don’t know why you put it in there, or what kind of bizarre accident occurred in which you ended up impaling yourself in the nose with a pickle, but PLEASE got to the Emergency Room instead of googling for helpful ideas.

“baby powder explosion”

I really thought this could only happen in my life.  Please contact me so that our 15 year old daughters can hang out together.

“pirates spiced”

I think you meant to google SPICED RUM.  It’s not the actual pirate that’s spiced and in a bottle.  Pirates are too scrawny and mean to taste good.

“what are good NYC metal stations”

Seriously?  Here?  This blog is like the complete opposite of NYC metal stations?  You must have been on ANTI-Google.

“worst rectal exam”

Okay, the first time was right on, this is just the opposite of that.  What would anyone want to know about the worst rectal exam?

“are my breasts quiz”

If you don’t know which part of your body is your breast just look down.  Those two hangy balloon things that rest gently on your stomach are you breasts.

“dating a hippy difficult”

Well Yoda, yes it is difficult to date someone who recycles, conserves gas, and likes flowers.  Go date a metal head instead, or just stick to Jedi cause at least they can save your ass when someone throws you down a well.

“What is a normal mother”

This is my favorite.  You are looking in the wrong place!  This is the NOT SO NORMAL site.  Don’t even look anywhere on line.  Go pay your kids some attention instead of sitting on your laptop.

Fear of heights

The odd things was, Dickie longed to experience that feeling.  It wasn’t any kind of death wish:  there was not a suicidal cell in his body.  Rather, it seemed that the very sensation, the inner force that made Dickie’s scrotum tighten, his throat constrict, and his eyeballs swim in dizziness also made him want to tumble into the precipitous void.  And ultimately, his fear of longing to fall war greater, more disturbing, than his fear of falling.

Villa Incognita, by Tom Robbins

That is the best definition of the feeling I get at the top of a mountain that I’ve even come across.  It’s a disturbing feeling that I might throw myself over the edge just to see what it would feel like to fall out of the sky.  A joyous lunge.  A thrilling long jump.  A primal scream of furiously happy as I say SCREW IT to this world and leap out of the box.

And that’s why I hyperventilate and cling to trees.  Take my last valium and close my eyes to slits open only enough to not run into anything.  Why I never will sit on the edge.  It’s that uncomfortable feeling that I might lose control over myself for one second, and the next find myself in midair, riding the wind, all the way down.

The same feeling I get in important meetings that I might blurt out something completely ridiculously perverted and obscene.  And start laughing uncontrollably. 

Not a death wish at all.  A longing to feel free from the constraints that have me wearing matching socks, attempting to brush my hair, and not farting in public.

 

Definitions of stalker, lurker, and other words so that no one is ever confused on my blog.

Lurker:  Someone who stands nearby, watching.

Menacing Lurker:  Someone who watches in a threatening way, gathering information to use later, but who hasn’t been told yet to go away.

Stalker:  An uninvited lurker who should go away after being told ONCE.

Dumb Stalker:  A stalker who doesn’t realize that even if they delete themselves on feedjit, they still show up on the wordpress stats page and I can see that they’ve also deleted themselves from feedjit.  Every day.

Ex husband Stalker: A true stalker who has been told to get off my blog by people way more important than me, but since my blog is public, well, then it’s just pathetic.

Jeff the Lurker:  Someone who used to just lurk, but now has as an invitation to do so, yet  is still too afraid to friend me on Facebook.

How to Not Have A Complete Mental Breakdown

Even though at times I appear to be losing my sanity and putting it here for all the world and my friends to see, it’s actually the other way around. I use this space to KEEP my sanity. And here’s how:

That whole bullshit saying “Fake it till you make it” is bullshit, just as much as this sentence is circular reasoning. Pretending to be happy until you are can be a dangerous thing. Now if you’re just pretending in certain situations throughout your day, but you vent to your next door neighbor who just happened to be walking by as you were crying on your front lawn–then maybe it’s okay. If you want to smile at work so no one really knows you’re hearing voices–then maybe it’s okay. There is a certain time and place for putting on a professional face. Like if your mother drops by unexpectedly and you REALLY don’t want to share with her why you’re still in your pajamas and bunny slippers at one in the afternoon, cause she’ll just tell you that you’re depressed and that you take after her. That will only depress you more so it’s perfectly understandable that you pleasantly say hello, take the muffins, and close the door-with her on the outside.
HOWEVER, if you pretend all the time and have no outlet for all the anger, anxiety, pain, frustration, guilt, and confusion– and you get up in the morning pretending and you go to school or work pretending and you go home and pretend to family and friends and your doctor and your counselor–this is a problem.
The vast difference between the way you want things to be, wishing so badly that everything is fine and that nothing is wrong AND what your intuition is telling you about the situation and the way you feel–this is where one day soon you’re going to lose your grip in a big bad way. If you push all those doubts right down inside and try so hard to pretend that you are perfectly happy then they are going to continue to grow and you’re going to have to work harder and harder to push back and pretty soon the incongruence between what you feel and what you pretend will cause a HUGE SNAP.
So the best way to be is just to be REAL. To not try to pretend. And to accept the small tragedies for what they are, normal parts of the human condition. And share with others, as I do here. So that we can all laugh together. So if I’m talking to a Peruvian Onion and I tell you about it, then I’m really okay. Right?

Facebook . . . It’s OFFICIAL . . . The puppet wins!

As of today Sun Ny has more friends on Facebook than I do. She now has 42 friends. A puppet is now officially more popular than I am.

Three weeks ago I took some pictures of me, Abrah, and Sun Ny. I posted them on Facebook and tagged Sun Ny in them. Then I decided she needed her own Facebook page because she had become a real . . . puppet. It’s an experiment to see:

  • How many people will unquestioningly friend a puppet they don’t know.
  • How long Facebook will let a puppet have a page.
  • What happens when a puppet has a bigger IQ than YOU do.
  • If anyone is interested in a puppet.
  • What happens when a puppet sends YOU a flirt, a kiss, or a hug.
  • If anyone will wonder why a puppet is asking them to go ride bikes.
  • If a puppet can have more friends than I do.

42 people have now friended Sun Ny, making her more popular than me. Which makes me a . . . complete LOSER. OMG, why did I do this??? Now I’m jealous of a puppet! Where’s that stupid puppet?