More penis stories

Little boys are so weird.  Already obsessed.  The 4 year old has begun falling asleep with his hands down his pants.  Last night when I tucked him in and rearranged his blankets just so, which meant pulling them all down and starting over, he was down there rubbing away.  I said “What are you doing?”  And he got so embarrassed.  LOL.  Poor little kid.  It’s like his own personal sleep aid.

Then this morning he was so sick.   We all are.  I let him snuggle on my lap in the recliner, with my oldest child sitting next to us.  I wasn’t dressed yet and had this thin v-next t-shirt on.  Next thing I know he’s rubbing my nipple with one finger.  “Stop with the nipple rubbing.” I said to him and the 21 year old started laughing hysterically.  I think she comes here for the hilariousness of my life.

I think the poor thing is also constipated.  For the two days I was truly down and out with the flu, I don’t think his sister made him drink anything.  So the husband was going to town for supplies this morning and I asked him to get some Fleet suppositories.

“Where can I find them?” he asked.

“In the poop section.”  I answered.  “Blue box maybe, they have orange handles.  Spelled FLEET..”  Seemed pretty clear to me.

“But where’s that?” he asked.

“With the laxatives,” answered the oldest child again.

“Where?” he asked again.

“Rite-aid?”

He looked surprised and that’s when the oldest child started laughing hysterically again.  “He thought you meant here.  You would have a Poop Section Mom.  That is so you.”

There is nothing wrong with making sure a person is regular.  Next time they ask me for some smooth move tea or want me to look at their turds to see if whole piece of whatever are normal or if I see the face of Darth Vader, I’m going to remind them that pooping is EVERYTHING.

At First I thought that Donald Trump was making me lose my hair . . .

But then I remembered that I have been this stressed out about life before and not had hair fall out in clumps.  Maybe shed more than usual, but not in clumps.

It’s been happening for 3 weeks now.  It slowed down for a while and then last night I had Child #2 look for bald spots and she found twice as many as before, but I also think she pointed out the same one three different times.  She also pointed out places it is just thinning.  And told me to change my part or it would show.  Also, some spots have stubble and are growing back, but the big bald spot that I found first, right in the front in my hairline is smooth and has no sign of hair growing back EVER.

This is when I freaked out and spent the night wondering how sparse it will get and when I should just shave it off.  Also I look terrible in hats.  And my face is not made for baldness.  I would have to tattoo hair on my bald head.  Or buy a wig.  But then I’m so clumsy and scattered it would be halfway off my head all day before I would notice.  And if I go to see my doctor, will she find the cause or will she say she has no idea.  And if they take my thyroid out will I be out of work long because my husband can’t carry us, so I’ll have to go back to work with a big bandage around my neck and tell people not to freak out.

I didn’t sleep well last night.

I called the doctor’s office this morning and they are closed.  Because it’s the one day of the year that I need them.

Another Penis story . . . Little boys love their penises.

My friend seemed to like the penis story I posted a couple of days ago, so here’s another.  I’ll create a category just for these stories so she can follow them easily.  YOU ARE WELCOME.

The littlest one who is now three was taking a bath last night.  I was cleaning the sink like a good housekeeper while he played.  Then I looked over and he had his legs really fair apart and he was yanking on his penis, stretching it out as far as it would go and it was purple and he had it under the bathtub faucet that I’d left on to let him play.

“What are you doing?” I exclaimed, as any good mom would when faced with this situation.

“I am cleaning my pee-pee.”

I think there was more to it than that.

Chores Don’t Do Themselves on Christmas

Chores don’t do themselves on Christmas

The cats still shit in the litter box and beyond.

The laundry piles up in the cracks of the couch

Dishes find their way into the bathroom

Where someone unwrapped a gift and

Threw the paper on the floor.

The dog has gone hungry since yesterday afternoon.

I don’t even know where she is.

You probably think I disappeared to play with toys

I’m in the basement sorting trash.

It is quiet down here.

Chores don’t do themselves on Christmas.

The woodbox is almost empty.

My bathroom smells like urine.

There’s long hair in the sink.

There are spiders in the skylight in the bathroom

that will drop on you as you sit.

Chores don’t do themselves for Christmas.

Now get the . . .out of my house.

 

Don’t Laugh when your Little Boy talks about his penis.

This rule has been violated in our house so many times that he now likes to put on a little comedy show about his penis.  It’s hard not to laugh when he’s in the bathtub and looks down at it and lovingly says “Why are you so cute and little.”

Today was even more difficult for his older sister when he was sitting with her on the couch and putting his hand down his pants to adjust himself.

“Sometimes my peepee sticks to my underwear and I have to move it because it’s so big.”

Her laughter taught him that he is hysterical and he wouldn’t stop and probably never will.

Twenty years from now if you’re dating a man who says something similar I am sorry.  It wasn’t me.

The hazards of coughing when you’re old.

I met my best friend for lunch.  She said I should blog again, like I used to when I was single and living in the ghetto and wore my pajamas until 2 in the afternoon right before the kids got out of school.  I would drink and blog and laugh at myself.  Oh yes, the good old days!

So just remember she asked for this post.  Because today in my exciting life I just tried to not pee myself when coughing.  I’m in the coughing phase of a cold and after 5 babies and 46 years I find that not only do I pee a little when I cough or sneeze, but sometimes it doesn’t stop as I continue to cough.

Coughing also makes my jaw crack and we all know where that will end up.  My ear is already humming and I’m out of muscle relaxants because I didn’t call the doctor because I was coughing.

Yes, I’m a mess.  And I wish I could wear my pajamas all day tomorrow.  Times have changed.  I have a real job now.  I wear jeans and flannel.

Trump is the cause of my sudden hair loss, or maybe perimenopause. Hard to say. Why is my hair falling out?

I am 46.  Two weeks ago I was sitting watching television with my 20 year old daughter when I realized I was scratching my head because my scalp was itchy.  Less than a week later it was falling out in clumps in the shower and I have 6 small ball patches all over my head.

“Go to the Doctor.”  Everyone said.  Well that’s easy to say but painful to do.  I pay $420 a month for good health insurance which leaves me paying for doctor’s appointments and testing until I hit $2500.  Which I never do and probably never will.  So I pay to pay more.  This doesn’t make sense.  Also, it’s late December so I should at least wait until the new year to start hitting that deductible, that I have never had to work on before.

It could be my thyroid, but that would fall out all over.  It could be hormones, but that would thin out and bald on top like men’s tend to do.  It could be I would spend hundreds or thousands at the doctor to find out absolutely nothing.

I started taking homeopathic menopause pills and magnesium.  And I’m doing a tea tree oil scalp treatment every 5 days and using tea tree oil shampoo and conditioner.  I did have my daughter highlight my hair 8 months ago.  And she gave me a perm 2 months ago.  But her teachers at school say that if it was going to fall out it would have done that immediately.  I don’t know if I believe that.  If my scalp was damaged and then winter came and it dried out, it is possible my hair would fall out.

It is also possible that it will grow back but it will be a couple of months before I’ll be able to see anything.  And I am not a hat person at all so I don’t know what to do if more falls out.  I am trying to not freak out.