Ten things never to say to a Pregnant Woman Who is Overdue.

I’m writing this in response to a similar article a friend shared on my Facebook page.  All of these things have been said to me this past week, although I’m not overdue until midnight tonight.  Don’t take any of this seriously.  Each one made me laugh as I still somehow have a sense of humor and some actually gave me contractions which can’t be a bad thing at this point.

  1. When are you due again?
    Hey, I’m just thankful for the attention and sympathetic looks.  Welcome to my pity party.
  2. Is that baby ever going to come out?
    Never.  Maybe in 2015.  Or my newest reply, “I googled world’s longest pregnancy.”
  3. You should go home and take a big poop, but not in the toilet.
    I am afraid as this is my 5th child that I might be in labor and not know it and that when I do poop he might fall into the toilet.  But where exactly do you want me to poop then?
  4. Try sex (they say this in a hushed tone, as though I don’t already know this.)
    The problem with this advice is that seeing as this is my 5th baby and I’m 43 I have varicose veins that have swollen my nether regions to the point where I don’t even know where my vagina is.  And it hurts all the time.  So how do I explain to people at work in the middle of the hall that sex is just not going to happen.
  5. Try spicy food.
    The LAST thing I want to do is have the raging shits while I’m in labor.  The next-to-last thing I want to do is think that I’m in labor, go to the hospital, and then discover that it was just a gassy raging shit instead of labor.
  6. You’re still working?
    Well, seeing as there’s no maternity leave and as a part-timer I have no sick or vacation days I am forced to wander the halls holding on to walls until the very end.  Pay me to go home and I will.
  7. Try a teeter-totter.
    See #4 and think about the condition of my nether regions as they smack on a hard board.  The pain of this thought did make me contract.
  8. Do squats, take long walks, jump up and down.
    When I was in my 20’s this was possible.  These days where I try to walk to the kitchen from the living room I have to stop twice to wait for the nerve pain in my legs to subside and I cry.
  9. Your belly button is gone!
    I don’t mind people saying this but PLEASE DON”T REACH OUT AND TRY TO FIND IT.  I don’t care about touching my belly, but pushing on my belly button does hurt.
  10. Laughing at me.
    Honestly, I’m just glad I can make people laugh.  Go ahead.  And then buy me a glass of wine when it’s over.

Maybe I’m weird, but I’m much more concerned about this baby having a HUGE head and being 10 days overdue than about what people say to me.  Why do we find fault with other people’s interest?   Go right ahead and accuse me of stealing a basketball.  I think it’s funny too.

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