Hate and Family Dysfunction, Why I married an Abuser, and a Definition of Triangulation

“Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad.  Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.”

–Will Smith

Did you ever have a moment when everything made sense.  All the parts came into focus just for a little while and the road you had been traveling for so long suddenly became clear and you felt so validated?

The big question for me is why did I ever marry an abuser?  I’m sure there were many factors, but today for a moment I realized that bad behavior was acceptable in my family, that criticism and condescension were normal and daily, that abuse was no reason to leave or disconnect or be angry.  That hate, especially toward oneself, was the underlying reason for most actions.  The dysfunction was all I knew and so when I came face-to-face with the darkness I mistook it for love and security.

One of the signs of a dysfunctional family is triangulation, when two members don’t communicate face to face, but involve a third party to carry messages back and forth, or when a third party involves themselves without being invited by one or both of the others.  A relationship has to be between the two people to be effective, because only the two actually involved really know what’s going on.  Anyone else is just guessing and probably guessing wrong.

I guess what I’m saying is: Mind your own business and not mine, because you have no idea what you’re talking about.

And haters gonna hate.

 

 

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One thought on “Hate and Family Dysfunction, Why I married an Abuser, and a Definition of Triangulation

  1. Haters have a choice. Haters can keep hating, or they can choose to stop. Hating does not help anyone. Hating makes you ugly inside. Hating makes you worse than the hated. Stopping the hate does not necessarily mean being all lovey-dovey. It means forgiving & moving on. And if there is real forgiveness, then the hate is gone, and civility is restored.

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