I haven’t blogged much this year because
1) Not much worth writing about
2) The things I could write about people would get mad at me for
But TODAY I finally have something worth saying . . . I am Employee of the Year!
It’s one of those big JOKES in my life, like having 3 teenage girls, or a baby at 41, or pulling my gut out to hang over the waist of my pants to show the girls what having babies will do to a person!
I could get a big EGO over my new title. I could require people to bow their heads as I pass, or do my logs for me, or call me Master of the Universe like I used to demand of the kids.
Nah. Instead I am going to make a short list of the reasons why this is so very WRONG and why I snicker every time I think about it.
- I walk around explaining to coworkers how I am so not committed to this job that the only thing I did to decorate my office was to throw down a rug.
- I didn’t paint the walls like everyone else does.
- I haven’t moved to an outside office with a window. I like my cave. It says “She doesn’t really live here.”
- I hung up my degree on a nail that was already there in a place behind my computer where no one can see it because I was too lazy to find a hammer.
- I fixed the sign outside my door with a sharpie when the secretary got my degree wrong.
- I cannot be lured into working full time, not even for the benefits.
- I gloat about not doing on-call.
- I negotiate taking new clients.
- When the older people mention how long they’ve worked at this place I lower my voice to a whisper and say “Get out. Get out now.”
- I make lists about why I shouldn’t be Employee of the Year.
There’s no trophy this time, which is weird because there was one for Employee of the Month. But there are Cody Bucks to spend somewhere downtown.
I should add the rather insignificant caveat that all Employee of the Month names were thrown in a hat and mine was pulled out of that hat. I would like to think that it was destiny that my name was drawn. A random act with a divine meaning.
And while I minimize my hard work I really need to say that my logs are always up to date. My charts come back from Quality Assurance with no errors. And the only thing I do wrong is one small error that my sidekick fixes for me every week, but I do believe the computer is to blame and might be messing with me.
Now I have to get back to my regular life. Being a SUPERSTAR does not mean that I get out of cleaning up poop in my house.