Funny things DO HAPPEN to me now, but I’m either going to offend my kids or I can’t talk about it because it happened at work and OOOOOOOOlala everything is confidential.

Maybe I should just give you a run through of my day so you understand why I am in my pajamas drinking wine and just sitting down for the first time at 9 p.m.  Sure, you want to know!

I got up at 6 to shower because I realized that even though it’s Friday and Nick is off and I don’t go to work until 10, the girls have to get up and go to school.  I made a pot of coffee that was requested but no one would drink it without sugar and I tried to use the last “sugar” in the house but confectioners sugars sucks ass in coffee.  Then I emptied the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen from the night before.  Then I sent Emily down to wake up the baby and she said

He smells funny.

Which I didn’t fully understand until AFTER what happened next.

I fed him his bottle and he gave up halfway through which is not like him at all.  And then immediately puked 3 ounces of sticky sweet formula all over me and him.  So I put him down and stripped him and took off my shirt and pants and ran around the house in front of the windows trying to clean him up.

So after I dressed both of us again I went down to his crib and SURE ENOUGH he had puked all over the mattress and frame.  BLEH.  So I wiped that down and put on a clean sheet and threw everything in the washing machine.

Are you bored yet?

I went to work and didn’t worry about him all day.  And the second I got home the girls were one me.  “What’s the internet password?  Someone stole my kindle!  I am crazy and borderline!”

So I spent hours searching for a kindle.  Then Nick went to class in Powell and the girls wanted rides to a play and a hockey game.  I bundled the baby up and when I got back and was trying to unlock the door he puked lots of something all over both of us again.  When I say all over I mean

Dripping gooey smelly ALL OVER.

So I didn’t feed him and instead put him in his pjs and held him for a long time and when I put him in his crib

He puked.

GAH

So I wiped him and his crib down and swore at Nick for somehow magically avoiding being puked on all day and cleaned up the kitchen and threw everything in the washing machine and looked some more for the kindle and threatened the child who took it and emailed friends for help and ate a banana and put the dog to bed and fed the bunny and lysoled the living room and showered the puke off and poured a glass of wine and here I sit.

I can’t of course talk about what I did at work.  Let’s just say that I hate an hour of kindness in me and I was HUNGRY cause I’ve lost 8 pounds not eating gluten for the past 2 weeks.

Was any of this funny?

Only to people without kids.

And who wouldn’t want Zachary Quinto staring at them from the bottom of the bed?  Disappointed by the Big Bang Theory.  I’ll take him!

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