I woke up this morning and everything seemed fine until I tried to do some chores like cleaning out the rabbit cage and the litter boxes. It was then that I discovered that it isn’t easy to reach anything with a beach ball attached to my stomach. My arms feel short and stubby and I can’t dig for treasure like I can when I’m thin (which is how I remember my pre-pregnancy body and I’m sure it’s not entirely true but I’m going to imagine myself that way). I’ve got 12 weeks left and I know it’s going to get worse, so much worse.
It’s time to look away if you don’t want to hear about the female body. Look away! Go read something else! I try not to shy away from talking about intimate issues even if people I see everyday are going to read my posts. But maybe there is someone out there looking for answers or sympathy. Maybe some big burly man needs to know what pregnancy feels like so that he’ll give his wife some space.
There are many reasons a pregnant woman might not want sex. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. This isn’t necessarily a self-image problem. I know my beach ball is SEXY. Snort. Would you find a man’s beer gut sexy? You people are weird. Here are the reasons I just don’t want to be that up close and in person.
- It’s very WEIRD that there’s a little person in the way. He struggles to get out of the way. It’s hard to get into the moment with all that going on. Put your dog between us and see if that works for you. It doesn’t.
- That 15 or more pounds of baby and uterus and fluid is heavy. And where do you think it sits? Now if I already had a beer gut and a huge ass maybe I wouldn’t even notice. But I don’t. It’s sitting on my pelvic bone and all that’s under it. Everything aches all day. It feels swollen.
- Think about the hours after a Thanksgiving meal. That time when your pants are still unbuttoned and you’re laying back in your grandfather’s recliner taking a nap. I feel like that all the time–full of baby. Half nauseous, needing to burp, afraid that any sudden movement may cause upchucking. Cover me with a blanket and let me sleep1
- I’m gassy all the time and although you say you don’t care I still get up in the middle of the night and walk up the stairs to rumble in the upstairs bathroom because the downstairs bathroom echoes because of all that amazing tile you put in. I’m not going to lay in bed and just let loose. You might be okay with doing that. I’m still trying to keep up with the impression that I NEVER EVER have gas.
- EXHAUSTION. My heart rate goes up when I climb the stairs and I have to sit down. If we have sex that is going to take all my energy for the day and I won’t be able to clean the kitty litter.
- Orgasm causes contractions and although they are not REAL contractions they are so uncomfortable like my uterus is being squeezed and I can’t breathe. I’m trying to avoid contractions until the very end.
- This time I’ve had a head cold the entire time, which if I count how long I’ve been pregnant including the miscarriage in June is going to be like a full year. I can’t breathe through my nose EVER. I cough up phlegm every day. There’s very little oxygen.
- My idea of a good time is laying on my side with a pillow between my legs and falling asleep for longer than half an hour.
Don’t worry, by June I’ll be back to myself.