Search Engine Searches that end up HERE

Yes, it’s time for another one of these posts about the things people type into places like google and find my blog.  This is like a review of the last three months of posts, only backwards and upside down.  I don’t know if anyone finds the information they want, but I am at least amused by what people want information about.  Here I will address their specific searches in the hope of being useful:

COLD VAGINA

Put on some pants before you go outside and cross the street to get the mail.  I really have no idea about this one as I’ve never heard of this problem.

Uninvited Lurker

If it was me I’d be calling the police, locking all the doors, or finding my daughter’s softball bat instead of looking for advice online.  It takes approximately 3 hours to find useful information on any topic on google.  By then the lurker will be more of an enterer and a murderer.

Middle Age Hierarchy

This sounds too intelligent for me to know anything about.  I am middle-aged.  I’m at the bottom of the hierarchy in my house, which means I’m the one wandering around and picking up literal shit every day.  At the same time, because I’m the shit-cleaner-upper, I also reserve the right to complain about anything I want and make demands that everyone help clean up their own shit.  This only works for a couple of hours until I’ve forgotten whatever I said the consequence would be of not obeying me and then I’m still the one following the bunny.  I’m at the bottom.

I’m pregnant and my vagina smells like sex all the time.

Yeesh.  First of all, I’m wondering how you can bend over to smell it as I can’t even bend over to put on socks.  I also don’t think that’s normal and although there’s more stuff going on down there (discharge becomes thicker as it keeps the vagina clean and shiny) it shouldn’t smell.  I think you have an infection.  Go see a doctor so they can give you antibiotics that don’t work and turn your tongue white.

Why does my urine stain the toilet orange?

OMG I’ve become the pee color expert or something.  I would say if you’re taking meds for a UTI then this is normal and weird and you may as well just enjoy it and show off your freaky urine to your kids.  They’ll love it!  Otherwise, unless you’ve been taking vitamins or eating something colorful this could be a serious issue.  And vitamins turn my urine neon yellow so I’m thinking you should collect some in a plastic cup and take it to the public health nurse.

Things that come in nines

I can’t even figure out how you found my blog at all.  Nine means nothing to me.  

Ode to Butts

I don’t know you, but I love you.

All the midgets in my bed inside my head

I think you might be high and rhyming.  Wait until it wears off and check your internet history.  

Birds circling house

This brings up one image for me:  Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.  I watched this movie several times as a young child because my parents were cruel and wanted me to feel panic every time I see a flock of birds.  Run while you still can!  Or hide in your house and wait.  Either way you’re going to have to leave eventually and people will die.

How to clean a teenager’s closet

If you have to google this for an answer, it’s already too late.  Plus I think that they got their laziness from watching you.  Clean it or not clean it, there is no such thing as cleaning by googling.  

Midgets and Math

?

Smiley testicle

I am speechless about this one as well, but I’ll bet it has something to do with the midgets and math.  

Huge Vagina

I would never admit to this by having in my search history.  Maybe this is the same person who searched for Cold Vagina.  If it’s that big and cold maybe you don’t really know what a vagina is and you mean Iceberg.

“Scrotal tighten” anxiety

I want to come back to this one later.

Boob hierarchy and Boob popped out of wedding dress

This is why I bought a 36D this week.  No popping out.  No hierarchy issues.  Armor.

There are more, but I have to go to work now to pretend I know what I’m talking about.  It’s been a nice Thanksgiving Break and I’m not sure I want to go back just because it was so peaceful here at home.

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