Sometimes a decision can’t be made until the last minute anyway, so no matter how logically you think things through you’ll just know.

I woke up at 4 a.m.

Not really anxious, just still completely indecisive about what I’d do if no markers were found on the ultrasound.

How badly do I want to know?  Do I need to know?  Is it worth the risk?  Can I get off the train that has already left the station?

I didn’t know.

We made it to Billings Clinic in early in the morning and after a rather painful ultrasound in which she kept pressing on parts he didn’t like and fought back by poking me hard in the bladder.  They measured all the markers including the heart to see if the blood was flowing the right way and if all the chambers were healthy.

Dr. Damron had done his specialty fellowship at the University of Vermont, which made me feel better that I wasn’t just talking to another big ego with good hair.  He has a friend with a maple sugaring operation in St. Albans who sends him syrup every year and he went out to the hall to grab a framed photo of a covered bridge he had taken.  It’s nice to meet someone who knows something about my world.

My OB was curious as to whether he would want an amnio if there were no markers present but he didn’t have anything to say about whether he wanted to or not.  And in that moment of being forced to decide I knew that I couldn’t put any child of mine at any risk, no matter how small, of death just because I needed to know something.  Not without a really good reason that would benefit them in some way.  Not for a 1 in 1600 rate of something going wrong (which is what they gave me).  Not even if I’m going to be a little anxious until I see his face.  He seems so happy and stubborn and perfectly fine that I can’t imagine sticking a big needle anywhere near him.

They lowered my risk to 3 % which isn’t that much more than the 1 or 2% I started with.  I can sleep well with those numbers.

Thanks to all my friends and family for their thoughts and prayers.  At the very least, I felt that if the results were not good that everyone around me would be supportive of my child no matter what he’s like.

The only thing wrong with him is that I’m skipping the newborn clothes and going straight to 3-6 months because I have the feeling he’s going to be HUGE.

But I have to ask:  Are we going to lose perfectly healthy babies by causing stress and unnecessary invasive tests?


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