Batterers, domestic violence, and after the Divorce

It’ll be eight years this next month that he’s been out of my life.  It feels much longer.  I’ve had a glorious time since that day I skipped out of the courthouse and had a few drinks to celebrate.  But he’s not quite out of my life even now, although his noise has been contained to a couple of emails a year.

He has filed to modify child support 3 times in the last year and a half.  The first was when he got on disability.  The government and your taxes paid most of his arrears and pay the majority of his child support every month BECAUSE he drank and smoked and snorted himself to death.  They even give him health insurance.  I don’t have any.

The second time was when I got remarried.  I assume he thought that my new husband’s income would be included and he would become responsible for my children and my ex would be off the hook.

The third time was last month when the caseworker told me that he called her saying his disability benefits were going down and that he had extra medical expenses BECAUSE he drank and smoked and snorted himself to death.

I think he should be forced to work to pay for his own child support.  Volunteer his time somewhere to make up for the government check my children get every month that comes from your taxes.

Anyway, he’s supposed to pay 50% of all medical bills with the girls, after whatever insurance they have, which he is also supposed to provide but doesn’t so that your taxes are paying for that too.  The problem is that it may say this in the court order, but it doesn’ t mean it’s going to happen without me filing with the court and having more hearings and adding this to his arrears, etc, etc.  My time is worth more than this and it’s easier to just buy their braces and other things than to see him in court.

I know I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again.  After the divorce some men will do anything just to see or hear you again.  It doesn’t matter if it’s an argument or asking to move back in or asking to have dinner with the children to discuss things.  I offered him a sweet deal by email:  Leave the child support alone so I’m not filing stacks of paper every few months and I won’t enforce paying the kids’ medical bills.  Save thousands.  Just let me be.

But that’s not really his point, now is it?  Like I say to my clients, “and what would he want by doing this?”

His reply:

About your last email.  If you would agree to meeting with the mediators and if we can work something out about child support we might be able to forgo court.  this could all be done over the phone.  I want to keep this civil.  I want my legal rights to be honored.

Same old thing.  A threat.  It’s been like this for 8 years.  If I don’t do what he wants, I’ll end up in court.  He wants to keep this civil, which really means it could very well not be civil.  It’s like men who say, “I would never hit a woman.”  Just having to say that means you’ve thought about it, thought about where the line is on what you can and cannot get away with, put women in an inferior position and up on a pedestal at the same time, and any GOOD man doesn’t ever have to say that out loud.

Just like with wanting to keep this civil.  It means he’s thought about all the ways he could criticize and demean and batter me.

And mediation over child support?  Why would I bargain?  In his mind, he has the upper hand in the situation.  And I have to bargain or end up in a courtroom where he may or may not be civil.

It’s not about the money.  If it was money he would have taken my deal.  It’s about seeing me in court or hearing my voice over the phone.  Anything to maintain that connection and have me begging for mercy.    I’ve been to mediation before when the mediator allowed him to stand over me with his finger in my face, yelling.

I don’t really believe anyone who says they have training in domestic violence and that they’ll keep me safe in the same room with him.  It always ends up badly.

So what was the point of this post?  8 years and it continues, but he is at least backed into a place where all he has left in child support to argue about.

The rest of my life is so good, that all I can do is feel sorry for him.

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2 thoughts on “Batterers, domestic violence, and after the Divorce

  1. Did he hit you?? the kids? Honestly?
    What have you done to promote their relationship? Are u slowly poisioning their mind so they think you come out smelling rosy? What a shame that is for them. So wrong. so very wrong. Grow up girl.

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