A Sign of True Friendship: The Acai Berry Weekend Cleanse

As I get older I discover that more and more of my life revolves around bowel movements.
Without them I get bloated, look like I’ve eaten half a water melon whole, and my pants barely button.
A size ten and I can’t breathe.
BUT if I do go, suddenly I’m thinking HEY, I could almost fit into an eight. I feel buoyant and full of energy and younger. Woohooo!
I think about fiber all day. How much. What kind. The timing of when things should get moving. PLEASE, not at work!!!! Even with the fan on and the air freshener, someone is sure to use the bathroom not ten minutes after me and they’ll be able to determine who did it by some new scientific method that involves seeing who came out of their office last. Our windows into the hall are two-way mirrors so they’ll know who did it, but I won’t know who knows. Anyone who looks at me when we’re passing by in the hall might know that it was me. I’m not perfect anymore.
But back to the problem. So many things keeps the system from flowing smoothly. We try so many things to jump-start it again. Diet, hypnosis, exercise, fiber, jumping up and down, water, strong coffee, acidophilus, whining, and mind control.
Now we’re on to the Acai Berry Weekend Cleanse. Middle-aged women bonding over the time and consistency of bowel movements. I warn all of you young and perky 20 year olds: This is where you’re headed.


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