Didn’t we send the British Home?

American history bores the everloving crap out of me.  I have fallen asleep in lectures and woken myself up in the middle of a good snore to look around and pretend I was also looking for the person who would dare to fall asleep.  But even in my drowsy state, I seem to remember some WAR in which the red-coated British fought in ridiculous lines and we sent them home and claimed this country as our own.

So then what’s up with all the media attention on the Royal Wedding?  I had enough trouble watching Bride Wars.  I’ve been saving my money since I was 16 for the wedding of my  . . .  excuse me while I vomit on my pajama pants.  Wipe my lips off on my sweatshirt.  There is media frenzy over this upcoming wedding of, um, Kate-someone to one of the princes.  The only part I like about the story is that Kate wore a patch of see through silk dress at a fashion show to snag the prince.  Oh, and she wants to GAIN weight for the wedding, because she already has an eating disorder.  And one would have to in order to wear that dress on stage in the first place.

Oh, I’m sorry, I’m being harsh and disrespectful.  But WAIT!  Didn’t we send them packing because we wanted to live without them bossing us around?  Why are we embracing a culture that we rejected?  We have our own royal family, the Hilton’s.  No.  Charlie Sheen.  Hmmmmm, that speaker of the house who spends more than I could possibly make in 5 years on golf trips paid for by my taxes.

Okay, so we have no royal family.

And I don’t know enough to talk about Britain’s.

But I DO KNOW THAT giving attention to an unhealthily thin, see-through wearing, gold digging person who has not gained respect and a royal wedding that will most likely lead to a very ordinary divorce is not healthy for my lovely, round, smart girls to watch.  And I know that life isn’t about a fairy tail wedding.  Or a show.  Or money.

I won’t be watching.

I’ll be showing my loyalty to America instead by watching reruns of Survivor.


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