Cause I think . . . I suspect . . . that my husband is wandering around breaking things so that he can look GOOD by fixing them. He just broke the handle off the cheese grater and then looked at me with this I’m such a hero for snapping this back on expression.
Coincidentally, yesterday the dishwasher stopped working. It wouldn’t light up or turn on. So he played with it for a little while, watched me throw a fit because I refuse to wash dishes by hand with these children running around using 20 different cups a day because they forget which one was theirs, and then he KICKED the dishwasher and it lit up. A loose connection. I call that the work of a con man.
It was like watching Steven Segal. A super dramatic kick to the lower half of the dishwasher and WALLAH . . . a graceful turn to see if I was watching and that weird I’m a hero look on his face.
Now I’m wondering if he sabotaged the washer to explode all over the laundry room so that I would have to wake him up to save us from the tsunami that rampaged across the kitchen floor. I wonder if he pulled apart the wooden toilet seat so that it would be annoyingly ass-pinching until we begged him to install a new one. I wonder if he took some small part out of his suburban’s engine so that he could use my car to get around. Not sure how that makes him look good, but I’m sure someday he’ll do another Steven Segal move and it’ll drive over 35 MPH again. He must have crawled into the attic to grow mold on the bathroom fan so that he could crawl back in and replace it. There was a lot of drama-queen groaning and moaning as he squeezed himself through the hole in the closet to get there. A definite I’m a hero move on his part.
I’ll bet he even bought cinnamon sticks instead of ground cinnamon, on purpose, so he could stand there and show me his grating skills. I know he broke my red toaster so that he could go out and buy a “new one” and take my red cover off and put it on the new one. I’d even bet there was no new toaster and he just karate chopped the old one into working again.
I’m going to be watching him closely from now on. Partly because this game is getting expensive and partly just to say AHA when something breaks and then walk away so that he knows I know what he’s up to, without having to embarrass him by telling him specifically what I know and wasting my time and his.