LOLA (by Guest Author Alex Baldwin)

Yesterday started out just like any other day.  A morning jog, some breakfast served to me by the maid, a trip to the bathroom, a nap in my bed.  The only difference was that the maid had washed my blanket and it smelled like lavender.

THEN she showed up.  In the middle of the kitchen.  Like a nightmare on Elm Street.  (I live on Elm Street.)  She sat in the kitchen.  Staring at me.  And then, unlike the typical houseguest, she TOOK OVER MY SPACE.  She went through my bathroom, sticking her nose in the most private of places.  She ate my food.  Drank my water.  Took her own tour of the entire house.

Yeah, she was cute.  And she smelled good.  Big blue eyes.  Perfectly groomed.

But I am the master of this house and who was she to walk around sniffing everything, taking over my staff, looking all cute so that they would take orders from HER and not ME.  I KNOW it was their idea.  Pay some cute little thing to be my girlfriend so that I would be less annoying and demanding. 

But this GIRL wouldn’t even let me sniff her butt.  She just sat in MY CHAIR and tried to bat my head.  How dare they do this to me!  No one saw me curl up with her for a second.  Nope, that wasn’t me.  I’m going to be angry for days!

I keep chasing her everytime I see her.  Back through the bedrooms.  Down to the basement.  LEAVE.  GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.  She’ll leave if I make it clear I don’t want her here and then . . . wait, where did she go?  I’d better go find her.  Lola, El Oh El A, Lola.

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