Anxiety, Why am I up in the middle of the night?

I’ve had a headache for three straight days, one of those light-sensitivity headaches with nausea.  A migraine, only not so debilitating that I have to lie in bed in the dark crying for hours before it will go away.  Just enough to be annoying and make me rub my forehead and moan once in a while.

Then tonight I woke up at about 2 a.m. and couldn’t fall asleep again.  Everything that is causing me stress right now is going around and around in my head on a 2 minute replay.  I guess I finally cracked even though I was trying to be strong.  I should know better than to suppress anxiety.  It only makes it worse.

This whole uninsured Emergency Room visit and surgery is the straw that broke the camel’s back.  Is that how that saying goes?  Poor camel.  Poor me.  I feel kindof hunched over and lumpy.  The stress from learning a new job.  The stress from feeling like I should load up my work schedule so quickly, when I don’t even know what I’m really doing at work yet, just to try to stay afloat on bills.  Not even knowing what those bills are yet.  Worrying about him being sick for days and wondering if he was going to die, and still worrying about him getting better.  Not being able to go on any trips until his vehicle can go over 30 miles an hour again.  Still paying for home improvements that were necessary, but I was hoping there would be more money coming in.  Being triggered by some paperwork that really won’t change my life any, but is loosely associated with PTSD enough that I have nightmares.  Feeling rushed all the time while I’m adjusting to this new job.  Missing my old group where I could tell them what I’m stressed about and then I would feel better.  All the new phone calls to set up appointments with new professionals for the kids and having to meet new people all the time and re-explain everything all over again.  The toilet not flushing well.  Losing my library book. 

Well, hello purring kitten.  Climb right up here and snuggle with me.  I knew there was a reason I wanted you.

It’s good to talk about things, even it if it’s just to an anonymous internet audience.  Who else would be up at 2:42 in the morning?

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5 thoughts on “Anxiety, Why am I up in the middle of the night?

  1. I’ve been awake til 3-4am every morning lately, freaking out about everything. I’d love to have a kitten so I could just disappear into it’s cuteness, and play with it for hours. Lately I’ve just been watching shows on my computer that take up my brain and having time by myself, but without letting myself to think about things.

    Yesterday I had a bad day. I did something a little masochistic on facebook and spent the next while just feeling empty. I wrote a long blog post, with no intention of posting it and have it saved in my drafts. I just needed to write some things to get them off my chest.

    Then, right when I felt the absolute worst, my partner came home, came to bed with me, and without me saying a word, he told me I was cute, that he loved me, and that he was happy that we have a money tin filling up with the intention of getting married, because all he wanted to do was marry me.

    And that’s why I’m saving to marry him.

    • Awww, Ravenangle, that’s so sweet of him. I’m just glad there’s more people up in the middle of the night. The only way I can handle insomnia is to think of it as being normal and TEMPORARY. I wonder if the discrimination in the workforce will change now that women are becoming the primary breadwinners as our men lose their jobs. I’m going to go find a river to throw rocks into now. Thanks everyone for making me feel like I’m a part of the Up-in-the-middle-of-the-night Club!

  2. Hi There…………I just caught your middle-of-the-night-story…..I can’t sleep, either. Know all about anxiety, nightmares, PTSD (it sucks). Hang in there as best you can. I’ll be rooting for you………..try not to feel so alone……..like, here I am popping up, and just leaving to try sleep when MY kitty saunters over to say, “Hey, Mom, lets try to get some rest.” I have more to share so I have printed your e-mail and will try to write some more later tomorrow (I’m on the East Coast). Hope you can sleep, and sweet dreams, sweetie! LOL, Jamie Rae

  3. Dang. You know what else sucks? You keep me awake as well. I was not sleeping these last few nights, tossing and turning, too many people I care about having too much stress in their lives. Time to up the medication and buy more lottery tickets. Hang in there.

  4. Ah, yes…I know the feeling well…I’ve had a certain tightness in my chest – just enough to notice every time I breathe in. Anxiety, just sitting there. It seems like we can’t catch a break, or when we do…it just never lasts long enough to get ahead. I feel like I’m the one who has to always worry, and wonder how to get through – I’m tired of being the one to do so. Knowing my husband’s work is going to start slowing down, knowing winter is coming and I am scared beyond my wits ends to drive to work on icy roads…yet, knowing it will have to be my measly income that pulls us through the winter, so I can’t just take a leave of absence. Birthdays, Christmas…BILLS, BILLS, BILLS. Hoping we can scrape by until tax time. I’m so tired.

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