Yeah, I’ve been not blogging lately since this issue came to a head. I came to the conclusion early this morning, in my sleep, that the only way to handle anything is to do it directly. I’ve been avoiding talking about it because I didn’t want to make it important. But it is important. And it only proves my point.
So here is what’s going on with my blog:
My ex husband found it several months ago. I knew he would eventually. None of this is a surprise.
Now, mostly I write about my present life, my children, my cat, farting, growing old, and midgets.
But sometimes I write about my previous life, which is a much more serious topic. I write about the way things were, the struggles I have now, and how this affects me and my family. This is an important part of my healing. And I know I’m publicly posting it. That’s a part of my healing as well–not keeping anything secret anymore.
Now here’s the tricky part. Everytime I write something about him he complains to my therapist. I have moved but I’m still in touch with her. She’s working with him on having some sort of relationship with the girls. I like that part of it. I’m not against him having a relationship with them. I want it to be a healthy one for them. That’s what I’ve always pushed for.
Anytime I say anything about him he claims it proves “parent alienation” which is a “syndrome” used by people who don’t understand what a syndrome is. Parent alienation is when one parent badmouths the other parent to the children so that they will not want to have a relationship. It of course leaves out the possibility that that parent is not a good parent and that there might be reasons for not wanting the children to be exposed to negative situations.
Anyway, while it is possible that he could take this to court, and take my blog as evidence the truth is that I supported his relationship with them as long as I could, while trying to put restrictions on it to keep them out of harm, such as having him court ordered not to drink while he was with them and court ordered that he provide them suitable sleeping arrangements. He fought with them for a couple of years and gradually they refused to go to see him or talk to him on the phone, or email him. And none of this had to do with anything I’ve said about him.
Now the problem comes with how much I can say about him now. Should I hide the truth from them. I don’t think this would be supporting the relationship. There is no relationship if it’s not honest. The girls already know about the things I talk about on my blog. They’ve seen it themselves, or heard about it from other people, or have bad dreams. None of this is new to them. I think explaining to them what happened might help them to recover as well. And if in the future they want a relationship with him, it will help that they understand all the bizarre behavior of the past. They will have a context for it and it won’t just be that he was an unpredictable scary father.
Let’s get back to my blog though. My therapist then emails me to tell me I’m riding that line of maybe slandering him. And then I take whatever it was down or change it. So he is now in charge of my blog. And using her to still control an important part of my life. Same pattern. It continues to play out. And I want to keep her. Most people, when I refuse to be a part of the triangle anymore, don’t speak to me again. He sets it up this way. To have them tell me what to do because he’s unhappy. And then I get mad at them. And my relationship with them ends.
I’d rather not do that this time.
But I am dropping out of this game. I will write whatever I want. He will always find a reason to threaten me with court. I can’t live my life trying not to let that happen. I will continue to leave out his name, or names about him. Not because I’m afraid of him. I will be polite because I always keep my own integrity, for myself. Calling someone names or spreading rumors would just speak badly about who I am. And I am not that kind of person. But I will speak. Based on what I know to be true or possible. From what other people tell me or what I’ve seen. No one can stop me from doing that.
And if you see St. Johnsbury, Vermont or Clinton, Massachusetts over in my tracker that’s HIM having nothing better to do than to read my blog to look for evidence that he can call my therapist about. Just pathetic.
One more thing: if you search for me and somehow find another blog with hippy and the midgets in the title, with posts calling me names–just ignore it. Isn’t it time to move on and get your own life? We all know everything he does is only to get to me. Even the kids say that. Everything. Until that changes things aren’t going to get any better.
I guess there’s one more thing, as long as I’m getting this all out. Then we can move on to bigger better stupider things. This whole codeword thing he requested is just dumb. I haven’t been identifying him. Ex is his legal relationship with me. There is no way to talk about him without implying that relationship. It was merely a ploy to see how much control he had. Which is NONE. Not even through my therapist.