Things I can(‘t) believe come out of my mouth

Why is there a kitten in your crack?

I’m just looking for a ho (I mean hoe).

If you don’t jump on my foot, I won’t kick you.

Your hoe came in real handy.

I’d better look outside the garage for a hoe, you never know where they end up.

Is he comfortable in your crack?

You really dyed your hair black so that I would use remover on it and it would turn out looking just like mine.

You love me so much you want to look just like me.

And my absolute favorite way to piss of any child:  Go to your room!

 This works well if I catch them as they are already stomping to their room, for whatever reason trying to feel sorry for their little selves.  Timed perfectly they turn with a death stare and say “I was already going there MOM.”

A snicker should throw them right over the edge.

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