You were a beautiful sage color and fit me perfectly on days when I felt especially thin or bloated like a whale. It didn’t matter. I could wear you around the house or to work and fit in nicely. You were versatile and soft, thin and flowy. You hid my pudge perfectly and made me feel lithe and beautiful. I didn’t care about your humble beginnings at Walmart on the clearance rack. I fell in love with you the first time I pulled you up around my thighs and was awed by how nicely you cradled my ass.
But today at work, after I had a client and then used the bathroom and wandered back to my office to wait for the next one, I made sure my shirt wasn’t weirdly tucked in, in the back, and somehow felt my butt and there was this giant HOLE from one side of my left butt cheek to the other, horizontally. My entire left cheek was hanging out. And my shirt only came to my waist.
Thankfully I had brought a sweatshirt with me and so I tied it around my waist trying to look all cool and young. I think it covered my ass enough. I’m just not sure. What’s worse is that I don’t know when it tore, because I went to the Grandparents’ and the bank and the grocery store and in and out of my apartment with all those ghetto neighbors watching.
They probably thought I tore it that way on purpose–to show off my assets. Or my tie-dye pink underwear. YOU”RE WELCOME for the show, people!
So now I’ve taken one last picture of you to remember you by. I will never again find a pair of pants I love so much as you. Goodbye.