What I said to people in my head but never outloud:
- To the Airline People Who Make Everyone Check-in Using the Kiosk: I should have a choice of talking to a real person who hands me real boarding passes and not a machine that takes my credit card information and then spits out the first flight’s pass and 10 receipts for baggage fees, a flight I’m not even taking, and a pack of gum.
- To the United Air Person at the Gate: Yes, I was “lucky” that you could print out the right boarding passes for me before I made my way to Philadelphia and had to live there because I couldn’t fly anywhere else. I was very “lucky” that you could give me what your kiosk couldn’t. I feel “lucky.”
- Note to Myself: Never eat spaghetti the night before leaving on a plane and only a day after your youngest child is home with a stomach bug. This combination will leave you praying on the plane, and not for what you thought you would.
- To the Cheerios Lady: I was just so happy to see that someone else brought food on the plane. I didn’t know if they were going to take my banana when they searched my bag. Thank goodness I didn’t stash anything TOO embarrassing in there. Other than birth control and Rescue Remedy spray of course.
- To the People on the Flight to Denver who formed a constant line of ten people for the bathroom: Aren’t you supposed to sit in your seats until someone passes by on their way back from the bathroom so that we all don’t KNOW who was in their last? Of course you’re the same people who were headed to ski in Jackson Hole, held up our take-off by standing to chat in the aisle, walked around while the seatbelt sign was still lit, AND spoke OVER the safety talk. We’re all equal on this plane. We all want to get on and off safely and on time.
- To the People in 2 restrooms in Philadelphia, 3 in Denver, and 1 in Billings: I apologize and I want you to know that I have now lost my fear of making rude noises and smells in public bathrooms. I thank you for your patience and understanding.
- To the Denver Airport: Could you please make sure the stalls near gate B89 close in the women’s restroom? They already have to hear me and smell me. Do they have to see me too?
- To the Pilot, Mechanics, and Flight Attendants on that Last Flight: If you are all going to stand up front talking while we all know there’s something wrong with the plane and we’re already half an hour late could you please SPECIFY in your apology about maintenance issues EXACTLY what those issues are so that I know there’s no duct tape, superglue or gum involved in the solution.
- To Tarri: You look great after all these years. And yes, I plan on being nauseating for years to come. Just hum to yourself and roll your eyes whenever you can’t stand to watch.
- To Nick: I may seem CHICKEN when I say “No, I won’t cross that cold stream that is thinly covered with ice by jumping from rock to rock.” I may seem like a coward, but really I just don’t want to fall in like you did. I call that being SMART. 🙂
I’m sure there will be more to come. So far this trip has been great!