The Theorems of Pathetics

We’ve all been taught that assertiveness is the key to getting anything, getting the job, getting the girl (or boy), getting the A, or just plain old getting ahead. But the theory of relativity teaches us that there is an opposite and equal reaction and we all know that correlation does equal causation when arguing with a mother of teenagers, so I offer to you the Theorems of Pathetics (like callisthenics without the exercise). Pathetics offers you the opportunity to use the opposite of assertiveness to get what you want without all the effort to be direct and firm.
Those of us who struggle with assertiveness need to stop trying so hard to say what we want, and instead embrace our pathetic spirit and make it work FOR US.

Thus the Theorems of Pathetics was created.

1. When given an opportunity to succeed first whine for 15 minutes to lower expectations.
2. Make it look like you’re doing the WORLD a FAVOR just by continuing to breathe.
3. When asked to defend your position, pretend to be on the edge of a major breakdown so that if people don’t take your side then your three year stay in a psych ward is their fault.
4. Agree with them that it is all your fault. Everything. Its all you. And since it can’t be 100% anyone’s fault they will most definitely assure you that they are partially to blame.
5. Always have a disheveled appearance, that way everyone knows how busy and overwhelmed you are, but that you will STILL help them. Even if it obviously will push you over the edge.
6. Whatever you do, don’t allow sunlight to touch your skin so that you always look like you haven’t slept in days. Accentuate the dark circles. And acne.
7. Carry Rescue Remedy in your purse. Offer it to people, then use it yourself. Often.
8. However, the Golden Rule of Pathetics is that you must never TALK about how hard your life is because then you just look like a whiner and no one wants to hear it. Pathetics is all about giving the image that your life is extremely difficult, but never sharing the details because no matter what they are you just appear annoying.
9. Spend some time at the Humane Society and mimic the body language of abused dogs. Almost anyone will treat you really well if you cower.
10. Never do anything productive if no one is watching. Save it up in piles. Sigh alot. Look overwhelmed. Never complain. People love to help. It makes THEM feel better to make YOU feel better.

Pathetics are the road to a new life, a creed by which to travel the highway to Gof. I don’t really know what Gof is, but I do know that it’s so indescribbleable that it must be good.

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