Feeling the Loss of the Things I gave up to Save Us/Domestic Violence and Grief/ 6 years later

I know I have not taken the time to grieve over things that happened a few years ago. I’ve been so busy with kids, school, work, all the details of real life as a single mom like groceries and bills and cleaning and driving to the pool and back and there and back, until I get dizzy. People kept saying to me that I would end up crying one day, but they always assumed it would be because of getting divorced and missing him. WHY??? Because they didn’t get it.
I have found that place now where grief has hit me hard, because now I’m in a much more comfortable spot and I have worked hard to make some of the bigger worries go away. So I apologize for a more serious post. I write to laugh at the small tragedies and to make others laugh. Laughter keeps me sane. But I now have to make some space for the losses in order to keep moving on.

  • My heart will always belong to Cody, WY.
  • I miss the hot, dry climate and the SUN.
  • I miss the smell of sage.
  • I miss the Big Sky that stretched out forever and the shadows of the clouds on the hills.
  • I miss the slow pace.
  • I miss my beautiful weeping birch tree.
  • I miss the pink or yellow tint that the sunset sometimes caused everything to have.
  • I miss my green lawn, that was so rare in such a desert.
  • I miss watching storms come in through the crack in the mountains.
  • I miss incredible balls of lighting and the inevitable hails storms that always came one week after I planted the flower beds.
  • I miss the sound of the Rodeo every night.
  • I miss the wannabee cowboy tourists in their tight wranglers and brand new hats.
  • I miss the real cowboys who always bought me a drink and showed me how to dance the two-step.
  • I miss the 5o miles to Yellowstone.
  • I miss all the places I used to take the kids, eating lunch under the Grand Teton, Morning Glory Pool, Hayden Valley, Carter Mountain.
  • I miss driving 300 miles for fudge.
  • I miss REAL wildlife.
  • I miss fire season when ash fell from the sky.
  • I miss the sound of the wind.
  • I really miss my house that I loved and worked on so hard. I’m afraid that I’ll never find home again. I miss that more than anything else, except for my friends.
  • I miss the crab apple tree that Haley would climb up and yell for me to save her.
  • I miss my garage with the stove and plenty of room for the adults to play after the kids went to bed.
  • I miss all my friends and feeling wanted and needed and a part of something.
  • I miss real steak.
  • I miss people knowing me for me and not for my family.
  • I miss the Easter Egg Hunt at the golf course and Christmas at the museum and the nightly Western Shootout downtown, and most of all the Rodeo Car.
  • I miss going to Pahaska and having people yell when I enter the bar because they’re so excited to see me.
  • I miss having people over a couple of times a week for dinner or poker or whatever. I’m lonely now.
  • I miss my retro red plastic kitchen cabinet fronts.
  • I miss having cats and dogs and huge aquariums.
  • I miss my swingset, bbq, furniture, books, toys, and everything else I left there when I had to leave with everything I could fit in my van.
  • I miss Nick.

 

The Price of Freedom is High.

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One thought on “Feeling the Loss of the Things I gave up to Save Us/Domestic Violence and Grief/ 6 years later

  1. Nothing other to say than I am trying to send you a large hug through my computer. Thankfully no one is watching me.

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