First, my ass is killing me. Let’s not talk about the disgusting consequences of pregnancy. But he is sitting in some odd way this morning that makes me left butt cheek hurt like HELL. Oh, please come out soon.
We could talk about the sharp shooting pains he causes when he butts his big fat head against my cervix. It feels like a knitting needles stabbing my vagina until I cry. He’s acting like a boy already.
But, no. Let’s talk about teenagers and how much I love my children, but at the same time it’s obvious they think I am an idiot and it is pissing me off. If I could just drink . . . .
My house was freezing when I got up this morning but it wasn’t until I opened the door to my oldest child’s room that I understood the reason. Her room smelled like an ashtray and her window was open, despite it being in the 20s and the wind blowing so hard it shakes the house.
And she said
I didn’t do it. It doesn’t smell like an ashtray. I didn’t open the window. I don’t know how that happened.
And she stuck to that story.
I guess the cats did it.
Now let’s go back in time to Saturday when her younger sister wanted to hang out with friends at the St. Patrick’s Day festivities downtown. And assured me that her Mexican, pot smoking boyfriend was still out of town on a camping trip.
BE HOME BY SIX.
The husband and I took a nice relaxing ride up the North Fork to Yellowstone and on our way back we stopped at Walmart to get dinner and THERE SHE WAS
WITH HER BOYFRIEND.
She said she walked the 3 miles to Walmart with him and other friends and that they were walking home and that she’d be on time.
IT WAS 5:40.
So Nick and I found his car in the parking lot and parked next to it. Waiting.
She came out and made a BEELINE to the car until she saw us and then tried to walk around us and head down the sidewalk toward home.
But when I stopped her and pointed out the car she said it had died the day before, ran out of gas, and he’d left it at Walmart. All this while camping. Yeah.
I finally threw her ass in the van and took her home.
But Nick was just too curious. He went back to Walmart and MAGICALLY THE CAR, the BOYFRIEND, and the other two girls she had walked out of the store with
WERE GONE.
Huh.
She still swears the car was dead. She had no idea.
The cats must have done it.
Do they really think I’m that stupid????
What they don’t know is that Abrah and I have already done all this and more. I know all about all the trouble to get into. I wish I didn’t. I’d be less of a wreck if I ignored all of it. But I KNOW and I doubt they could get into more trouble than I did.
So then I realize that I will have another teenager in 15 years and I don’t want to deal with all this again when I should be drinking tea and doing crossword puzzles to delay dementia.
Nick, when he’s a teenager he’s all yours.
And then his delusion becomes apparent.
He says in all seriousness:
Don’t worry. He’ll be a perfect Angel.
Sad, sad knowing laugh.
