Where did my Mirena go?

I haven’t found it on the floor yet.  But I have discovered that there is used dental floss all over my house.  Are people flossing and tossing or are the cats pulling it out of the trash.  I’m sure the kids would say the cats are doing it and the cats wouldn’t say much at all.

One day I’ll discovered it stuck to the bottom of my foot.

Or it ended up in the laundry and one of the kids will wear it to school stuck to the back of their shirt.

I’ve even caught myself looking in the hall at work like I dropped it while walking through.  It can come out that easily.

Maybe I’ll scoop it out of the litter box because one of the cats thought it was floss.

It’s disappearance bothers me more than anything else about this whole situation.  I’ve never been good at letting go of lost things.

Is the Mirena a Good Idea? Can the Mirena just Fall Out?

I thought it was a great idea at first.  More effective than a vasectomy.  Hardly any maintenance.  5 years of not taking pills.

Hell, yes.

Can it fall about without anyone knowing it?

Hell yes.

I did everything I was supposed to do.  Had it checked on 6 weeks after insertion and it was right where it was supposed to be.

But it disappeared, vanished, teleported to someone else’s cervix.  I don’t know when or how and I didn’t cramp or bleed or feel it coming out.

How do I know it’s not there???

I thought the steroid nasal spray was making me ill.  That is one of the side effects.  And then I thought the antibiotic for my ear infection was making me ill.  That is one of the side effects.  Every afternoon around 3:00 I get desperately ill.  Couch laying ill.  Groaning and wishing I could die ill.

I could sue them if it was still in there, embedded in a wall, tearing a hole through to my bladder.  But it’s GONE.  The ultrasound person said she’d never seen one just disappear before and that it might have gotten caught on a tampon or come out if I was constipated.  Steroid nasal spray makes me constipated.

How can birth control just fall out?

What other birth control can cause such harm?

What other birth control fails and tears through a fetus, breaks apart, puts hole through things, requires surgery to take out?

They say it’s more effective than tubal ligation or a vasectomy.  But it seems they aren’t counting the times it vaporizes, POOF.

I keep looking around at the floor thinking I’m going to see it lying there.  ”Oh, there you are!”

$800 just for the IUD, more for the insertion, $600 for the ultrasound to check on it.  $270,000 when it goes POOF.

Don’t do it!!!!

Why I’ll never Exercise with Gina Again

She pulled me into her room to exercise, but then she told me I’d have to do 200 jumping jacks.

But that won’t work because I pee myself when I jump around because I’ve had four kids and my muscles are weak . . .”

She interrupted me.

So I did my own version of a jumping jack which she described as a Kangaroo Dance.

Then she told me I’d have to do 100 full sit ups.  Well, that wasn’t happening as I have no abs left.

So I did my own version I stole from yogamazing and she said I looked like a curled up Koala.

That’s all fine, but then she explained planking to me and I did it for about 5 seconds before my insides hurt and I collapsed on the floor so I did my own version of the superman.

She said I looked like a sloth which is when I broke up laughing and gave my abs a workout.  And then she compared me to my friend Tarri.   So I did my best Tarri impersonation.

Well, this isn’t gonna work.  I ran out of beer.  

And then the baby pounded on the door and I ran out of the room.

How I turned into Sheldon Cooper

Our bedroom is a mess.  I moved all my stuff out so that we could carpet it.  Nick moved all his stuff into big piles.  We just do things differently, I guess.  On Sunday he glued down all the tack strip so that it would be good to go on his next day off.  Yes, there are strips with nails sticking up all around the room, including in the doorway on the way to the bathroom.

I waited until he was in bed too and said:

I haven’t stepped on the tack strip on my way to the bathroom yet.

But I do feel like you set up a trap on purpose.

You do remember the spider paper, right?

And the glue you used still smells.

We’ll breathe in the chemicals all night.

I feel like you’re trying to kill me.

To which he replied:

“You sound just like Sheldon Cooper.”

When I start channeling Sheldon Cooper in bed there’s a problem.  So today I’m reading Learned Optimism.  Which is such a Sheldon Cooper thing to do.  I’m in BIG TROUBLE.

Nick’s Pork Rind Diet. Pork Rinds are not on the Atkin’s Diet list of Acceptable Foods.

He started the Atkins diet two weeks ago and I thought he knew what he was doing because back in the day all the guys were on the THE DIET, which means they ate steak, steak, and more steak and drank alcohol–anything without carbs.  I don’t know if they lost weight but it seems that they listened to the critics of the Atkins diet who say that it consists of eating as much meat and cheese as possible.

He lost weight the first week, but then complained this morning that he hadn’t lost any this week.  So I asked what he was eating.  PORK RINDS.  ROAST BEEF for breakfast.  As much meat as he wants.  You can’t lose weight eating a bunch of CRAP.   You can die of a heart attack.  GAH.

So I sent him links to the Atkin’s Diet site that say 6 oz protein portions at each meal.  THAT’S IT.  8 cups of salad and 2 cups of cooked vegetables a day.  There’s a long list of acceptable food and PORK RINDS is not on that list.

He’s sitting in his recliner right now reading about it.  I’m writing this blog.   We are IMing on FB because that’s the way we do things now.  Soon I’ll pass out on a couch with Marley sleeping on me.

But Pork Rinds are on my diet.  That’s what he said to me when I questioned his choices.  I’m still laughing.

Do Other Moms talk this Way

Conversation in my van on the way home from Bountiful Baskets:

So what’s the plan tonight?

Josie and Katilee and I are going to the dance but they’re going home after.

Well have fun.  Have sex and drugs and Rock and Roll because I was never allowed to do anything with friends during high school and you should make up for that.

Stunned Silence.

Well, you’re date is GAY.  So it shouldn’t be a problem.

He’s bisexual.

But he said he’s wearing a dress to the dance so I just don’t see it happening.

Laughter.

 

Back when I was a kid so many years ago none of these things was ever mentioned.  It’s not that it didn’t exist.  It was just hidden.  We were all taught that everyone needed to be completely normal, meaning marry someone of the opposite sex, have children, attend church, don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t swear, don’t listen to bad music.  Don’t have sex.  I don’t feel that the times have changed, except that we talk more openly about what’s going on.  How boring life would be if everyone was exactly the same.

 

It’s Getting Frustrating that I can’t Feel My FACE and Going to the store after seeing the Dentist is not a Good Idea.

I got a filling.  And I really like my dentist.  But it felt like he was drilling into an upper molar and hurt like hell and he numbed me more and more and still it hurt, but it was the air blowing out of the back of the drill onto a sensitive area above the tooth he was really drilling in, which hurt as well and reminded me of the time I saw a dentist when I was a kid and no matter how many shots of Novocaine he gave me nothing worked and he did whatever he had to do anyway.

It’s a good thing I teach mindfulness and relaxation and I just kept counting to 10 and concentrating on my hands gripping the arms of the chair.

Then I went to Albertsons to buy soy milk for the baby as he seems to be lactose intolerant and gets LOUDLY GASSY on cow’s milk.  I went through self checkout and the whole machine just wouldn’t work for me and said “Please Wait” forever and then wouldn’t accept my debit card and then started all over and the cashier person working the self checkouts had to come over twice to help me and kept calling me DEAR in a really sweet voice and patted me on the shoulder and thought I was retarded, probably because my face was so numb only half of it would open and I sounded like a mentally retarded person with a lisp.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry on the way home.

And then the girls were home sick, but felt good enough to heckle me and ask me to say words like “witches” and “shouldn’t” so they could laugh at me.

The worst part is that I AM SO HUNGRY and I made a Lemon Pound Cake and I could try to eat but I would probably gnaw off the end of my tongue without knowing it and then the mumbling lisp would be permanent.