I went to the ER at 6 this morning because my back pain became unbearable. They were so nice to me. Gave me nice drugs. Ran labs. I am perfectly healthy. Except for the back pain. Gave me meds to take home. Said to rest and not bend or pick things up. Yeah, ok.
So it’s all due to my iliopsoas injury of 2007 when I spent weeks in physical therapy only to hear that I had to work on my abs because I had great legs, but my middle was like a giant marshmallow.
And here I am again. I pulled up my old exercises and got some from Abrah and decided to get on the floor and see if I could do them. Then a giant black cat starting licking my forehead and then climbed onto my laptop keyboard and killed the video I was following and then laid near my toes and tried to bite them. Next time I’m at the ER and they tell me to take it easy I’m going to laugh at them and pull a bottle of tequila out of my jacket pocket and take a swig.
Hey, I can drink again! Except for the pain meds. Damn. I always get screwed somehow.
I used to post all the time. It was a way to relieve stress and sometimes to giggle quietly to myself. And then I got too busy and stopped. Stupid me. Now I’m sick all the time and stressed out and my good friend told me to take these next few months to put myself back together after the pregnancy.
What they don’t tell you about pregnancy! No one said that the months after would be so incredibly difficult to my body. I was just worried about pregnancy and delivery at the age of 43. But now I’m so run down and tired and not recovering that I catch everything and can’t stay healthy enough to leave the house. Except to go to work of course. I went back to work after 3 weeks because we don’t have maternity leave.
Now I’ve got a mysterious kidney infection with only back pain as a symptom. And an inner ear infection that I can never kick. I’m dizzy all the time. My IBS is kicking in. And I can’t remember anything.
If I was 25 this wouldn’t be a problem.
Just to make it worse, I’m a therapist. An excellent therapist. And if I was my own client I would keep bashing me in the head with SELF CARE and DAILY MAINTENANCE and COPING SKILLS, none of which I have or use. I don’t have TIME!!!!! And then therapist me would say something smartass like ”You have to take care of yourself so that you can continue to take care of others.” And client me would then slap therapist me in the face and a full on fight would ensue in the middle of the living room floor with hair and spit in the air and then no one would win, but I would be lying on the floor wanting a serious drink only I’ve got a DAMN kidney infection!
I’m so glad that unexpected pregnancy is over, but being over doesn’t mean that I’m okay again. Recovery after pregnancy is long and difficult, especially with a house full of children and chores and no maternity leave. Friends who don’t have children keep asking me questions about how I feel and what it’s like because no one ever talks about it. In the media childbirth is usually the end of the story and no one shows how painful it is to sit down, how sleep deprivation becomes overwhelming, or how the body readjusts very very slowly. Here are some of the painful and sometimes embarrassing things I have to deal with after having 5 babies.
- Sleep deprivation. We all know new moms don’t sleep. They say “sleep when the baby sleeps.” Yeah, right. That’s a very nice dream. Who does the dishes? Who talks to the other children? Who plays with the toddler? Who washes all the shirts I leak through? And how can I just pass out every couple of hours? Lack of sleep makes crying come easily to me. It’s not hormones, it’s exhaustion.
- Leaky breasts. Some moms are great breast feeders. I am not one of them. I leak everywhere all the time. And now that I’m 43 I just can’t produce enough for a big baby boy. I don’t have one hour out of every three to sit down in peace and feed my baby. I don’t have time to eat well. So I’m not going to drive myself insane by trying. So I’m in pain as I dry up and my boobs are like a rock hard triple E. I leak. I can’t seem to express any, even in the shower for relief. I can’t sleep on them. I can’t hug people.
- Bleeding. At the hospital they kept asking me if it had stopped yet. It lasts for 2-3 weeks for me, so I don’t know why they would ask after 24 hours. Don’t get pregnant thinking you’d be lucky to not have your period for 9 months. You make up for it at the end.
- Pooping. The first bowel movement is almost as horrifying as giving birth. I don’t even have stitches this time and I dreaded it. And it’s going to be bad for a while.
- Hemorrhoids. This is the worst. It was the worst pain the last two months of this pregnancy and it continues as it will take several months to go back to normal. It’s unavoidable. I have to buy embarrassing things at the store to try to find some relief. I cry in the shower. GAH
- Painful contractions continue. My uterus still hurts sometimes as it shrinks back to normal size over the next month.
- Bruises and sticky tape residue. They use industrial strength tape at the hospital and poked me with so many needles. I have sticky tape residue all over both arms. My IV site was swollen and painful for 3 days. I have a bruise the size of a deck of cards inside my left elbow and a horseshoe shaped bruise on my spine.
I’m writing this in response to a similar article a friend shared on my Facebook page. All of these things have been said to me this past week, although I’m not overdue until midnight tonight. Don’t take any of this seriously. Each one made me laugh as I still somehow have a sense of humor and some actually gave me contractions which can’t be a bad thing at this point.
- When are you due again?
Hey, I’m just thankful for the attention and sympathetic looks. Welcome to my pity party.
- Is that baby ever going to come out?
Never. Maybe in 2015. Or my newest reply, “I googled world’s longest pregnancy.”
- You should go home and take a big poop, but not in the toilet.
I am afraid as this is my 5th child that I might be in labor and not know it and that when I do poop he might fall into the toilet. But where exactly do you want me to poop then?
- Try sex (they say this in a hushed tone, as though I don’t already know this.)
The problem with this advice is that seeing as this is my 5th baby and I’m 43 I have varicose veins that have swollen my nether regions to the point where I don’t even know where my vagina is. And it hurts all the time. So how do I explain to people at work in the middle of the hall that sex is just not going to happen.
- Try spicy food.
The LAST thing I want to do is have the raging shits while I’m in labor. The next-to-last thing I want to do is think that I’m in labor, go to the hospital, and then discover that it was just a gassy raging shit instead of labor.
- You’re still working?
Well, seeing as there’s no maternity leave and as a part-timer I have no sick or vacation days I am forced to wander the halls holding on to walls until the very end. Pay me to go home and I will.
- Try a teeter-totter.
See #4 and think about the condition of my nether regions as they smack on a hard board. The pain of this thought did make me contract.
- Do squats, take long walks, jump up and down.
When I was in my 20′s this was possible. These days where I try to walk to the kitchen from the living room I have to stop twice to wait for the nerve pain in my legs to subside and I cry.
- Your belly button is gone!
I don’t mind people saying this but PLEASE DON”T REACH OUT AND TRY TO FIND IT. I don’t care about touching my belly, but pushing on my belly button does hurt.
- Laughing at me.
Honestly, I’m just glad I can make people laugh. Go ahead. And then buy me a glass of wine when it’s over.
Maybe I’m weird, but I’m much more concerned about this baby having a HUGE head and being 10 days overdue than about what people say to me. Why do we find fault with other people’s interest? Go right ahead and accuse me of stealing a basketball. I think it’s funny too.
First I’m so pregnant I can’t see my feet. Something like 16 days to go. Who keeps track?
So the PLAN was to lay on the couch and let Nick cook and clean and the girls help and have someone else play with Jude.
Yeah, so much for plans.
Emily had to work at a restaurant from 10-5, but since my stomach is the size of an acorn I thought it would be best to eat small meals all day. We had $125 worth of seafood, but as long as we waited for her to get off work before eating lobster she was pretty happy. Scallops for lunch. Oysters for snack. Lobster for dinner.
The day started with my stuffing cooking in a crockpot. It went downhill from there. By 10:00 Gina and I were eating stuffing and homemade cranberry sauce. We broke into the pie at 3:00. The seafood didn’t happen because
By 9:00 Nick was asleep in his recliner. Then he started vomiting. Then he said “but I’ll still cook.”
I can’t imagine vomiting this pregnant, so no Nick did not cook. Nick fell asleep until I kicked him downstairs into bed, where he’s been since. I lysoled his chair.
So we were down to Gina, Jude, and me. Gina and I both watched different episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and took naps. Then we waited for Emily, made green bean casserole and baked lobster tails, ate, and then she kicked me out of the kitchen so she could clean it, which was the nicest thing ever so I shut myself in the bathroom and cried because things hurt so much all the time and I wasn’t supposed to be on my feet today.
Now I’m going to sleep on the couch because my bed is full of germs.
If you remember Marley is the kitten who appeared in my daughter’s closet one Sunday morning without my permission. She was supposed to take care of him, buy him food, and pay me back for fixing him and all the food he eats. Instead she was kidnapped by 3 boys who took her to the other side of the country and left Marley with me.
Marley has had a series of unfortunate events occur in the past two months. First, , the youngest daughter stepped on his front right leg and he limped around for two weeks.
Then I dropped a full jug of milk on him as he was laying in front of the stove. I thought I’d killed him. He rolled around and twisted his back but then just limped around for another two weeks.
Then Alex, the asscat, knocked him down the basement stairs. He had to lay down to drink water, kept stretching out him spine and wouldn’t move even to pee for full days at a time.
I had to take him to a vet. The cat was broken.
$260 later they found nothing structurally wrong with him and gave me pain meds for him for 3 days in case he was just bruised. He was an attention hound all day, begging everyone there to pet him and love him.
And when I brought him home, he SWITCHED THE LEG HE WAS LIMPING ON.
I really think he just wanted to leave the house for the day.
Anyone want a cat?
I called Haley because I miss her and hadn’t talked to her at all today. And I felt I had to tell her all about my life. She begged me to blog this, so this is for YOU HALEY.
A couple of weeks ago my husband told me that he had walked into the bedroom after I was asleep and that I farted so loud that the sheets lifted off the bed.
What he doesn’t know, and never will, is that I woke up just as I farted and saw him coming into the room and pretended to be sound asleep.